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01 November 2012 @ 12:07 am
Prompt #058: Scary Monsters and Super Freaks 1/2  

Title: Stroke My Fluffy!
Pairing/Characters: Adam/Tommy maybe. If you squint. Can be read as Adam and Tommy gen, Trespassing Rug/Elmo Jacket
Rating (Word Count): That would be... 27 consecutive drabbles of 100 words. Each. >.> It's not my fault.
Warning(s): Swearing, bad language, four am, cussing, four am, sex between furniture and clothing and the results thereof... Did I mention cursing?
Author's notes: ...I think I might as well give up and move Casey into a nut house, and then move into the cell right next door. >.>

Stroke My Fluffy,
Say Mr Lambert

“Adam?!”

“Yeah. Umm. Yeah. Hi.”

“It’s… yeah, it’s four am.”

“I know.”

“You’re standing on my porch at four am.”

“I am.”

“You are standing on my porch at four am, with a coat, a rug, and a pair of leg warmers.”

“I am.”

“…Are you high?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Because you do shit like this when you toke up-“

“Fuck you. And no, I’m not high.”

“You so fucking are.”

“Tommy?”

“Yes?”

“Invite me in.”

“No.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Nuh uh. Saw that film. I invite you in, people start dying. No. You stay out there, Adam.”



SMF


“Fine. You know what, fine. We’ll just talk while the whole fucking neighbourhood can hear us.”

“Yep. That’s the plan.”

“Here. These are yours.”

“I think I would remember buying something that fucking hideous.”

“They’re a gift.”

“I love you but no.”

“No?”

“No.”

“I give them to you. It’s a gift.”

“I reject them. They’re really not me.”

“They match your eyes.”

“…You’re reaching, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Please take them.”

“Why do you want me to take them?”

“Because.”

“What do you want me to do with them?”

“I don’t know. Feed them or something?”

“They’re shoes.”

“Not really.”


SMF


“Sorry, leg warmers.”

“Nope, WAY off.”

“Adam, they’re fashion accessories.”

“Big words for four am, Tommy Joe. But you’re still wrong.”

“Adam, they’re just leg warm- HOLY SHIT, THAT FUCKER JUST MOVED!”

“See what I mean?”

“IT MOVED. IT FUCKING MOVED. IT – OH MY FUCK, IT MOVED!”

“You wanna wake the neighbours?”

“You have moving – wait, you wanted to give me man-eating legwarmers?! You bastard!”

“I don’t THINK they’re man eating.”

“They’re a-fucking-live, what else could they BE?”

“The by-product of my jacket and my rug?”

“…..What?”

“The by-product of my jacket and my-“

“Get the fuck off my porch.”


SMF

“Excuse me?”

“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, Lambert, right now, and I want you the fuck off my porch now!”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because before you came along, I was a normal guy. Band, guitar, work, home, family, rinse and repeat. I was a normal guy.”

“You were boring-“

“I was fucking normal”

Uh huuuuuh….”

“When you picked me up, I said okay. And I was okay. I could cope with glitter, and the stage gay, and the kissing, and the bad movies, and the tattooing because hey. It’s tour-“

Umm, Tommy?”

“Still talking.”

SMF

Tommy!”

“I could cope with that shit because it was being in a band and being on tour and OH MY FUCK, it’s purring.”

“It is? I thought it was vibrat-“

“No, Adam. It’s slowly eating my fingers down to the fucking bone with a thousand razor sharp teeth and I thought I’d say it was purring because I didn’t want to scare it.

“Ah.”

“It is too fucking early for your shit.”

“You think?”

“Yes. I do. And now, oh… it’s squeaking. Your leg warmer is squeaking at me.”

“It didn’t squeak for me!”

“Well, ain’t that dandy.”

“What?”

SMF

“Now is not the time to be comparing notes, Lambert.”

“Right. Yes. Sorry.”

“You will be once I wake up enough, fuck wit. How the fuck did you get these…. Things?”

“I came home from the studio, and found my coat on the floor in my closet, and these two on the floor beside it-“

“Aaaand?”

“And I think my coat gave birth to them.”

“You lost me.”

“No, see, these two leg warmers and my coat were on the rug at the same time, and it all makes sense now, I think about it.”

“No, it really fucking doesn’t.”

SMF


“See, they’re fluffy like my coat, and stripey like my rug!”

“Wait, what rug?”

“My trespassing one…”

“The one that the medicine man gave you in New Orleans and told you to keep safe and it would repay you in kind?”

“That was a voodoo man. Yeah. That one.”

“Which coat?”

“The big red one?”

“The Elmo one?”

“IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE ELMO!”

“Yes, it does. You look like a hot, gay, semi-morphed Elmo.”

“Fuck you. It is couture.”

“It is the skin of a thousand Elmo’s bound up with the sinew of a hundred big birds.”

“Thanks.”

“Welcome.”

SMF


“So yeah. I think my coat gave birth to these, and well, here I am.”

“You are an idiot.”

“Wh-what? Why?”

“The coat came from New Orleans too, didn’t it?”

“Yup. When he saw I had it, the voodoo dude gave me a discount too. Nice guy.”

“Oh my God…”

“Why are you banging your head against the door?”

“Because my boss is an fucking idiot, and he’s on my porch at four am with the by-product of a voodoo rug and a possessed coat.”

“I am not an idiot.”

“Who brought the rug?”

“I- what?”

“Answer the question.”

“No.”

SMF

“Which of us brought the rug when it was labelled as highly energised and potentially dangerous?”

“…I did.”

“Who did?”

I did, alright?”

“Who brought the coat that was billed as very attractive to spiritual energies and extra interesting by the fucking designer who brewed it in a cauldron before jabbing with electricity?”

“…I did.”

“Yeah, you fucking did, you dick. So yeah, I’m banging my head against this door because you are a fucking idiot, and now you’re on my porch and I don’t know what the fuck you want me to do about the legwarmers but go away.”


SMF

“But…. I need help.”

“You need medication and a straight jacket.”

“I have leg warmers that move.”

“Yes, you do. And I don’t. So get the fuck off my porch.”

“You’d kick me out?”

“You’re already outside. So, congratulations, Adam, you are the proud new uncle to your rug and coat’s new babies, Leg Warmer Left, and Leg Warmer Right, and I don’t give a fuck what you do with them but please, please leave me out of it.”

“…I think they’ve bonded with me!”

“You really really shouldn’t sound so happy about that.”

“But look! They’re purring!”

“Go you.”

SMF

“They’re kind of cute.”

“Are they now?”

“Yep. Look, here, hold this one!”

“No. Go away. Take your fucking impossible purring pets with you so I can drink this whole shitty dream out of my head and wake up when the world is sane, and sober, and not at four am again.”

“But they bonded with me…”

“You wore their Mama for a while, of course they’ve bonded. You’re practically family now.”

“Oh yeah.”

“So what the fuck are you going to do with them now?”

“What can I do? Tell the animal shelter my rug and coat made babies?”


SMF

“Yes. Yes, you tell them exactly that.”

“I’ll be thrown in the fucking nut house, Tommy.”

“No, you’ll be put in a rehab centre and I will go back to sleep and enjoy my time off while you get some happy pills and therapy for your obvious issues with reality.”

“My coat and my rug made babies, that is my reality right now.”

“My reality is my boss with furniture and clothing making babies and he thinks it’s a good idea to pitch up on my porch at four am to ask me what the fuck to do about it.”


SMF

“You make it sound so bad, Tommy.”

“It is that goddamn fucking bad, Adam.”

“You don’t believe in God, though.”

“….It’s times like this when I wish I did believe because then I could pray to be saved from…”

“From what?”

“You. And your…. Leg warmer creatures.”

“But they’re cute.”

“They’re… moving.”

“But they’re kinda cute. Come on. Look at the face. So cute and fluffy!”

“Is that its ass?”

“Ummm wait, let me… compare… Ye- No! That way around!”

“I just love how you had to check that to make sure you weren’t handing it to me ass first.”


SMF

“Shut up and love the cute.”

“I swear to God, Lambert.”

“Stop invoking the God you don’t believe in and stroke it.”

“Baaaaaad line, Adam. So fucking bad.”

“Shut up and stroke my fluffy.”

I-what?”

“Stop laughing.”

“Stroke your – oh my fuck – fl-whaaaaaat?!–“

“Shut up and move your hand. It’s squeaking at you.”

 “Never going to let you live that line down. What else is new?”

“My fluffy pets, apparently.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“As long as it’s not where these babies came from because not even I can answer that…”

“Why did you come to me?”


 
 
 
thrace_adams: Adam and Tommy LOLthrace_adams on November 1st, 2012 07:44 am (UTC)
BWWAHHHHAAAA OMG that is HILARIOUS
snowstormskiessnowstormskies on November 27th, 2012 05:15 pm (UTC)
XD Glad you enjoyed it! I just ran a bit and then this happened!

OT: Your icon is /awesome/ :D Is it stealable if I give creditz, please?

thrace_adams: Adam Diva Sing Shatterthrace_adams on November 27th, 2012 08:23 pm (UTC)
Icon is totally stealable credit info is on my userpic page :D
Ariannearianne_maya on November 1st, 2012 04:34 pm (UTC)
LOLOL that was crazy and absolutely hilarious.
snowstormskiessnowstormskies on November 27th, 2012 05:17 pm (UTC)
:D I am so glad you liked it! Thanks for commenting!
Wicked Bitch Of The Westvlredreign on November 1st, 2012 09:44 pm (UTC)
Both of your drabbles are locked. That is not allowed in this comm. Please unlock. Thanks.
snowstormskies: mini-vikingsnowstormskies on November 2nd, 2012 07:03 am (UTC)
Unlocked them now, sorry about that! I checked the rules but didn't find anything in there and locked is my standard. Whoops... *pulls at collar*
Wicked Bitch Of The Westvlredreign on November 2nd, 2012 10:36 am (UTC)
The rules say that you need to post to the comm, meaning you must post directly at the comm. Posting from your personal journal will cause any defaults you have, such as locked posts or font preferences, to transfer here.
snowstormskiessnowstormskies on November 2nd, 2012 12:04 pm (UTC)
I did post them straight to the community, using the little button at the tool bar at the top? That is the right way to do it? I am a complete noob at this so I might be completely off base.

I just meant that my default when posting in most of my other comms is to lock it to members only so I did it on autopilot... I shall remember for next time!

Also, apparently copy pasting from word means the default font carries with you. Umm. Oops.
xGlitterBabyx: Adam Laughxglitterbabyx on November 2nd, 2012 11:05 am (UTC)
ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OMFG I'M WHEEZING HALP
snowstormskies: Pretty Tomsnowstormskies on November 27th, 2012 05:09 pm (UTC)
*gives you tea and pets you through the wheezing* I'm sorry. Are you okay? Would you like some more crack to help you through?
xGlitterBabyx: Bradam Lickxglitterbabyx on November 27th, 2012 11:55 pm (UTC)
ALWAYS more crack, please!!! :DDD
bεn¡bluε♞iRide iWrite iLovebeniblue on November 5th, 2012 12:03 am (UTC)
OMFG!
That was incredibly funny! Pet my fluffy, indeed! lol

snowstormskies: Tommy Joe Ratliff NoH8 shootsnowstormskies on November 27th, 2012 05:16 pm (UTC)
Re: OMFG!
Adam comes up with the weirdest things at the weirdest times. He's dangerous like that. :P
bεn¡bluε♞iRide iWrite iLovebeniblue on November 28th, 2012 05:46 am (UTC)
Re: OMFG!
scary!!! I just re-read and cracked up again! OMFG!!!! "I love you but no." LOL
ratbert71ratbert71 on June 16th, 2013 09:43 pm (UTC)
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

I can't stop laughing. OH MY FUUUCK!! **screams with laughter**

Your brain is crazy and I love it.